This is a joint post from Lozzie and Jazzy.

At long last, the day we have all been waiting for. And, in our case, LONGING for. It's Goren and Eames' last tour of duty on Law and Order Criminal Intent. The two characters are both overjoyed - demob happy, you might say - to be finally getting shot of this dreadful, ponderous, poorly-written show that has deteriorated beyond all recognition since it began in a blaze of glory nine seasons ago.

Even Medical Examiner Rogers would have difficulty recognising this degraded corpse of a television programme and would have to resort to looking at dental records in order to make an identification.

In fact, so far have the scripts for LO:CI deteriorated, that we can no longer bear to watch the show with the sound on. So, for the official Team Thirteen review of "Loyalty, Part One", we've basically made up our own script.

The episode begins with the future looking rosy for our beloved Dynamic Duo - Bobby Goren is off to Utah to become a fry-chef in his long-lost half sister's first-cousin-twice-removed ex-brother-in-law's first wife's great uncle's fried chicken restaurant, and Eames has signed on as a kennel maid for a huge international humane society that rescues three-legged strays from remote villages in Sub-Saharan Africa. Not the four-legged ones, mind. Only those with THREE legs. She's a very discerning woman.

Ross gets bumped off without ceremony in the first half of the show. You can imagine the poor bastard is not really very pleased about this turn of events and Goren and Eames, being the super troupers they really are, decide to throw his dead body a surprise party to compensate.

Goren: We're gonna have to hurry and get this sorted out before he starts to stink the place out. You know how sensitive my nose is.

But, as with everything in the Law and Order universe these days, all is not as it seems, and pretty soon the entire shabang begins to collapse around their ears. Well whaddya expect, trying to throw a party for a corpse ...?

Eames: Hello? Is that 'Chef Albert Pierrot Signature Catering?' Yes? Good. Listen dahling: my stylist says you're the hottest guys in town. So get your splendid little butts over here for a test meal, will you?

Fuck's sake, Eames. I keep tellin' ya - Ross' cadaver doesn't want Fois Gras and chamber music on a Steinway grand. He wants a Bruce Springsteen look-alike and home-cooking from some of the good ol' boys in Brooklyn.

See, now THIS is what I'm talkin' about. Can we hire this very attractive-looking young lady as a go-go dancer? Can we Eames, please? Please?
You're such an oaf, honestly. Don't be so gauche. I've already made enquiries about booking Darcey Bussell.

The Fly:
Awwww shucks. How come I'm never invited to any of the good parties?
Goren and Eames: Do you REALLY want us to answer that?

Ooh! Oooh! Eames, I know - after the go-go dancer has finished, I can do some magic. I can start off with some sword-juggling. I learnt how to do it from this cool guy in Argentina years and years ago ...

Eames: Seriously, Goren. Don't make me slap you.

Cool guy from Argentina: Ay caramba! Para los ventiquatros cohonez de los Apostolos! Donde sta il mercardo?

Goren: Man, you can show me your propeller as often as you want, but it won't make any difference. I've already booked the lovely SnarkAngel as my personal bartender, and that's that!

Yes, the rumors were true: the party ended at 7am, leaving the dance floor strewn with love-drunken Vixens. And no, buddy, you don't look like John Travolta with your orange white striped shirt.

WOW! I had no idea that we'd have the SEX PISTOLS as the live act!

Disco Queen of 1979
What do you mean, my neckline is not low enough for your party?!

Okay, so why EXACTLY don't you want me to bring the cocktails?

Goren: Are you the sky-writing guy? Hey dude, d'you think you could write "Dear Cap'n Ross, sorry about the bum deal here on earth, hope you get laid in the Ever After." Har har har.

Later, back at the office:

Eames: Goren, what the hell is THIS?

What. What? What'd I do NOW?

Don't try the 'I'm all innocent' act with me, sunshine. I know your handwriting.
For the last time, we are NOT HIRING THE CHIPPENDALES, OK??

Goren: (Thinks) I will have the male strippers, if it is the very last thing I do ... Yes, I will ... !

Will Detective Goren get his wish to see full-frontal male nudity on prime-time American television? Will Eames get to dance a Pas De Deux with Darcey Bussell? Will Rogers ever settle for just one hair color and style per season? Will Danny Ross get properly laid in the Afterlife?

Tune in next week for the final exciting (?) episode of
"Not A Lot Happening In This Procedural Police Drama"!


  1. Anonymous1:14 AM

    LOL. Shit that funny! Most excellent job of scipting! You guys crack me up.

  2. Needless to say, I am laughing my ass off right now! How you two come up with this stuff is beyond me!! But I will happily bartend at Goren and Eames' last soiree! After that, I'd like to apply for the job of D'Onofrio's private bartender. As for the frontal nudity, Bobby can handle that himself. Who needs the Chippendales?

  3. Hilarious, love this post!

  4. Anonymous9:54 AM

    Haven't seen it yet, but since the show's writers - or should that be Goren and Eames writers?! - left at the end of Season 7, I'm not expecting too much; and like I said yesterday, the USA Network, just seem to want Vincent, Kate and Eric GONE, as soon as possible, whether it makes sense on the show or not. Fine, the sound they'll hear next Tuesday night is the pounding of footsteps as we all leave with them ;0)

  5. HAHAHAHAHA!! This is sooo much better than the episode that aired on Tuesday night!
    Great work!

  6. lol! This is so funny and so good! You're the best, girls! Your episode is much better than original! ;o)

  7. Lord, what can I say? MAGNIFICENT! BRAVO! Hey, why don't you vixens apply for writers job with USA. You can sure do a better job then the dizzys who write for them now. By now, I'm up for any kinda party. Bring on the SPIRITS!! Right on SnarkAngel. No need for the Chips when Bobby shakes his groove thang - getting down and funky on the dance floor. Excellent, excellent post!! Cheers Lozzie and Jazzy!!

  8. That was brilliant. My favorite was the scene in the morgue with the jar. Hilarious! Thanks for making this episode so much better than the original.

  9. Anonymous6:36 PM

    The 'Degraded corpse of a TV show' - I missed that bit this morning when I first read this, which is probably a good thing or I'd've been snarling all morning - got top cable ratings last night.

    I just watched the first part of 'Loyalty' so maybe it's just I'm now feeling extremely 'defensive' - so what's new?! - but until next week, it's still LOCI, and still Vincent and Kate's show, the one they've worked hard on for the last 8 years.

  10. Through different show runners, writers and a writers strike, Vincent and Kate have always shown up and given CI Everything they have...That's where my mind is.

  11. Your pictures are very clear and bright. And your story is much better than the original.

  12. At least I could understand your plot..the one on the show was way too complicated, although that could have had something to do with watching it at 5am :-)

  13. Personally I have always been astonished at what Vincent and Katie could still manage to pull out of the bag, performance-wise, with such piss-poor scripts to work with. They're both so skillful. It was really evident from their scene together that poor old Jeff Goldblum has one hell of a long way to go before he can get any where close to matching their appeal as characters or their ability as actors - apologies to any Goldblum fans who may be lurking around here. I just think he has a really long way to go.

    The plot for this episode sucked. I've seen more plausible story-lines on NCIS for fuck's sake - and that show is as far from plausible as anything I've watched since Mork and Mindy sometimes. The way they dealt with Ross was just despicable. Poor Eric Bogosian. He really got the thin end of the wedge, such as it was. Oh well never mind - his talents are wasted on LOCI these days, just as are those of Vincent and Katie. At least Eric has made some brilliant new creative connections from working on LOCI and I for one can't wait to see what Noffy cooks up with a film version of one of Eric's books ...

    ~waves at StellaKuru~ Hey there. At least Gabriel never appeared on this show, eh? He must be the only actor living in the whole of New York City who has NEVER shown up in one of the Law and Order franchise. Ahh, they'd probably wanna cast him as a drunk/priest/terrorist I suppose.